took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
