if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
