she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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