Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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