I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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