The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
