we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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