I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
the raccoons are back...
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