I'm gonna have a badass scar
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
