i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Too much gin, very little bucket
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
