The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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