we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
