Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
