I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
