i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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