Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
