Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
