Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
