her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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