Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My bed is full of blood and feathers
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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