those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
