its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The ass gains better be worth it
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
