my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
