So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
