Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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