A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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