so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
