I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
