Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
