My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
