So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
