Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Will exercising make me less horny?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
