I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
