Moan for me like Helen Keller
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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