I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
