peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
