i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
