K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
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