Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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