i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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