I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
