Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
