I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
