Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
