Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
