He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
