I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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