let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
