You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
