oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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