Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
