We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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