we're blogging at a bar
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
