Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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