She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
they're like a gay fantastic four
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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