I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
