she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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